The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
