You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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