i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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