"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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