1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I want to be your penis for a week.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
