I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she peed on how many people?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
