and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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