I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize