Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
