why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
