I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i believe in u and ur pee
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