nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
