Who did Billy Mays play for?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
