cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
