ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
