BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
