i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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