If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
