Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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