My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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