It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Nicole vs. Life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
