smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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