Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
