The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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