Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it was like eating out sand paper
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize