she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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