I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize