i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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