I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
