Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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