I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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