when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
