im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize