Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
