I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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