Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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