All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize