he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize