Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
