You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
