god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
