I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
