I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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