there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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