I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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