now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Let's get the cat blown out
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
