i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
