I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
