There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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