Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
