Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
