i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
