i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
