i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
