Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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