You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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