I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
