What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
