Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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