I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
