omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize