Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
