pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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