I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize