So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize