She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
